Thursday, October 20, 2011

Changing Hues

Winter Is Coming

Mira! The leaves are changing color! It's so pretty!
Piss off; it's because they're dying.

Bringing a jacket to work?
School buses clogging the roads again?
Starting a passive-aggressive war with Ms. Mary over the thermostat?
Bethesda winds cutting right through my jacket making my nipples hard enough to cut diamonds?
Did I just hear Thriller for the third time this week?
D.C. United eliminated from the playoffs?

Yup, must be Autumn.


Yeah, there are a few good things about Autumn: spiced apple cider and the annual trip out to Baugher's and Westminster. There's candy and the one night when girls where as little as possible while trying to look like something out of a hot dream you dare not tell your psychiatrist about (Oh, you're a sexy lobster? You're a furry, but whatever, rock on, Rock Lobster). I suppose I like some of the foods, like acorn squash. Lower electric bills are nice (we have gas heat). There's. . . I don't know; dark beers are more satisfying for some reason and the Black Keys sound better in Autumn. Actually, I did have some fun activities that I'll try to post as soon as Ms. Mary gets me the pictures (because me in a kilt and a "Vagrant" sign really needs an accompanying image).

It's also encroaching cold weather with the associated itchy and static-y clothes. It's largely the end of outdoor athletics; should you try anyway, the cold air will burn your lungs. It's trying not to be a total little bitch when Mary drags me to scary movies or haunted houses (No, babe, I'm five-foot-six and have weighed a minimum of 30 pounds less than every other man you've ever known, so I would naturally develop a sense fearlessness and courage. No doubt, those are survival traits for my physical build, so let's go into that building where someone is going to try to make me shit my pants. You go first). Then there's the pounds that I'll pack on. Only, it's a damn shame that I didn't take off the ones from last Autumn and Winter.

An Autumn of War

My Fall is off to a blazing start. First, the heat broke. In fixing the heat, the apartment people busted the thermostat and we had to call Pepco to repair that. Dealing with Pepco was a damn blast. Then, the refrigerator broke. After that, because breaking household appliances are child's play, my bank card info was stolen - turns out, I didn't make charges in Maryland, Florida, and Iowa in a twelve hour period. While looking for fraudulent charges, I discovered that Bally's has been charging me for Anna's account, which I thought I canceled in, like, March or so. Here's how that phone call went:

Me: Hi, I have two accounts, but I wrote to you in the Spring to let you know that one account user had moved to Doha and I needed to cancel that account, but I'm still paying for it. (Seriously, why the hell did I have to write you a letter and mail it to California in this day and age? Before the internet, did you make people send it by Pony Express?)
Bally's Customer Service Rep: That's account blah-blah-blah?
Me: Yes, that's right.
Bally's Customer Frustration Rep: You didn't provide any evidence that the account holder had moved to a location without a Bally's within 25 miles. We need a utility bill or something like that.
Me: She's in (fucking) Doha; I don't have her utility bills. Do you know how far away that is?
Bally's Obstructionist: No, but she's certainly getting an electricity bill.
Me: Doha is a city in the Middle East; I don't know that she is. Look, I don't have a contract anyway, it expired, I'm month-to-month. Your website says I don't need to give a reason for that.
Bally's Hellspawn: That's correct.
Me: If I didn't need to give a reason, why was the account not canceled?
Bally's Advocate of General and Applied Evil: Because you didn't provide documentation of her change in location.
Bally's Zen Master of Circular Logic: You gave a reason, but didn't provide documentation.
Me: But I don't need to give a reason?
Bally's Mental S&M Rep: No.
Me: Fine, then can you cancel the account then please?
Queen of Helheim: No, you'll have to write to the following address and ask to have the account canceled. Do you have a pen ready?

I then beat my head against a wall for twenty minutes and that was actually a more pleasant experience. I know that I really should have noticed how much they were charging me long ago and that's why I didn't even pretend that I was going to get any of that money I paid refunded.

Bears, They're Smarter Than You Think

You know what is underrated? Hibernating. To hell with your pumpkin pies; I think I'm going to give that a whirl. Awaken me when D.C. United's season starts again.